February 6, 2025

10 Effective Strategies for Managing Children’s Behavior

Bridget Wolff, Director of Learning and Development
T-TAP Professional Development Specialist, Early Childhood

It’s a snowy morning. As you are getting your 3-year-old ready for preschool, they decide that they want to wear their favorite pair of shorts to school. After explaining that they must wear pants because of the cold weather, the tears begin, and your child refuses to change out of their pajamas. At a loss, you say, “If you don’t put these pants on, you’re not bringing your stuffed animal to school!” This causes an even greater eruption of emotions. Now you’re both frustrated and running late.

Does this scenario sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone!

The early childhood years are a remarkable time – full of joy, exploration, and growth. However, they also bring their share of challenges. Behaviors like defiance, tantrums, and physical aggression are common as children work to understand their emotions, push boundaries, and build their social-emotional regulation skills.

While these behaviors can be understandably frustrating for adults, it’s important to recognize that they are often a child’s way of expressing a deeper feeling or unmet need. In these moments, children rely on compassionate, consistent, and supportive adults to help them develop language skills, learn healthy coping strategies, and establish appropriate boundaries that ensure their safety and well-being.

Let’s review 10 research-backed strategies to help effectively manage children’s behavior.

1. Acknowledge and Validate Emotions:

Acknowledging and validating children’s emotions not only makes children feel heard and understood, but also fosters trust, creates a safe space for emotional expression, and supports the development of their emotional vocabulary.

For example, you might say “I know you’re frustrated that you can’t wear your favorite shorts today, but I cannot let you wear them outside because your legs will be too cold.” Or “You are angry that Stanley took your toy. It’s okay to feel angry, but I will not let you hit him. Hitting hurts.” Providing children with the language they need to recognize their emotions empowers them to navigate future challenges more effectively.

2. Positive Reinforcement:

It is scientifically proven that pointing out and praising positive behavior will increase the likelihood that the behavior will occur again. This can be a simple, yet specific, verbal acknowledgement to let them know that their action or behavior is appreciated. For example, “You showed such responsibility and thoughtfulness when you put your toys away.” This approach helps children build a strong sense of self-confidence and nurtures their intrinsic motivation to act (rather than doing things solely for external validation).

3. Provide Clear Solutions:

Do you find yourself repeating phrases like, “no running!”, “don’t do that”, or “you can’t have that!”? In a moment of panic, these expressions are a natural response to protect your child’s safety and/or the safety of others.

Instead of pointing out what children can’t do, provide a clear solution for what they can do! For example, instead of “No throwing blocks!”, try beginning with a firm “Stop”, followed by “Throwing blocks is not safe because someone could get hurt. Instead, let’s build a tower! I will help you get started.” This makes expectations clear, redirects the behavior to something positive, and explains the reasoning behind your instruction.

4. Offer Choices:

Young children crave control over their environment. Sometimes more than they can handle! This can lead to power struggles and frustration for both parties involved. Providing children with 2-3 positive, acceptable choices helps them develop a sense of control and assert their independence.

For example, “Would you like to wear your pink or green pants to school today?” Or “Would you like to eat carrots or cauliflower with your dinner tonight?” This lets children feel in control of their environment, and you are happy with either choice. A win-win situation!

5. Model Self-Control:

If we, as adults, have emotional reactions to the events in our lives, how can we expect children to respond any differently? Every single interaction (and reaction) you have should be a model for how you want your child to act and respond.

Take a moment to reflect on your daily interactions and how they typically unfold. Are you using a calm tone when speaking with others? Are you friendly, kind, and respectful? Or do you find yourself easily frustrated, stressed, and avoidant?

In challenging moments when a child’s emotions are escalating, are you able to keep your own emotions in check? If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, it’s perfectly okay to take a step back for a moment to center yourself. You might say something like, “I need to take a few deep breaths to calm my frustration, and then we can work together on a solution.” By returning to the situation in a more composed state, you’re not only modeling self-regulation and effective coping strategies but also reassuring the child that you are fully committed to supporting them.

6. Consistent Routines:

Children thrive in environments with structure and predictability. Establishing consistent routines helps them feel safe, secure, and aware of what comes next.

For example, a consistent bedtime routine might involve taking a bath, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and reading two stories before settling into bed. When these steps are followed each night, children can move through them with ease, knowing exactly what to expect. This predictability helps daily routines flow smoothly and reduces the chance of negative behaviors arising.

7. Ensure Smooth Transitions:

Imagine that you are engrossed in your favorite show when, out of nowhere, someone turns off the TV. You’re not just surprised – you’re frustrated because you were really invested in finishing that episode. Now imagine how a child feels when they are fully immersed in play, and suddenly, their toy is taken away with an abrupt announcement that it’s time to go to the grocery store. You can probably guess it: they’re feeling the same surprise and frustration!

Transitions can be a major source of stress and anxiety for young children. To help them navigate change, it’s helpful to provide advance notice and communicate clearly and positively about what’s coming next. You might also find it useful to introduce a visual tool, like a timer, to assist with the transition. For example, “I’m setting a timer for 5 minutes. When it goes off, it’s time to clean up your toys so we can head to the grocery store! I’m so excited for you to help me pick out all the yummy food for this week!”

8. Social Stories:

A social story is a brief, structured narrative designed to help children understand and navigate social situations with confidence. These stories can cover various topics, such as specific events (like visiting the doctor), learning new skills (such as turn-taking), or exploring concepts (like understanding differences). By discussing these stories in advance, children are better prepared to handle real-life experiences, making them especially valuable for those who find transitions challenging or feel anxious about new situations.

Our children’s book, My First Day at Doodle Bugs!, contains several social stories to learn from!

9. Provide Logical Consequences:

It can be tempting to rely on a simple consequence or an empty threat when managing behavior, such as saying, “You won’t get dessert if you don’t listen”, or “If you don’t clean up your toys, you won’t get to go to the park.”

Instead, consider using logical consequences. These are consequences that naturally relate to a child’s actions and help them understand the impact of their behavior. For instance, if your child throws food during lunch, have them help clean it up. Or if they tear a page in a book, have them assist in repairing it. Logical consequences are respectful, reasonable, and directly tied to the behavior, guiding the child in a way that is both helpful and constructive.

10. Consistency is Key:

Young children are naturally inclined to test boundaries and push limits (it’s actually a natural part of their development!) – so when they’re allowed to do something one day but not the next, it can create confusion and lead to greater frustration.

For example, if a child receives 30 minutes of screen time every night before bed and they don’t receive screen time one evening – the child will likely be upset. Similarly, if a family usually eats together at the dinner table every night, but one night allows the child to eat in front of the TV – the child may expect this to become the new norm.

These are examples of inconsistency that can lead to bigger challenges down the line. By being firm and consistent with your expectations, reactions, and follow-through, you provide clear, understandable limits that children can rely on and follow.

As you begin implementing the strategies above, be sure to extend the same kindness, compassion, and acceptance to yourself that you show to your child(ren). Change doesn’t happen overnight, and adopting new behavior management strategies requires both patience and consistency. Be proud of the progress you make and celebrate the small victories along the way. It’s in those moments that the difference you’re making becomes clear, and that’s something worth celebrating!

Behaviors can vary on a wide spectrum, and sometimes the strategies mentioned above may not be enough. In such cases, it may be beneficial to consult with your pediatrician, who can recommend professional support from an expert specializing in specific behavioral challenges.

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